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October 21, 2004
The SS Team Unveiled
When I heard about the Student Safety Team, I thought it was odd that the board would approve spending our money on a glorified shuttle service, so I engaged in some yellow journalism. I actually obtained the 32 page proposal to the board from Dr. Neilson/Student Development:
The “SS” Team (as it is called by the insiders) is a group assembled by Dr. Neilson of those who most strictly adhere to the Student Handbook and responded well to the systematic indoctrination of Neilson’s “Wheatonian Principles.” It was described by Neilson to the board as sort of an “inner ring: a team which will serve key roles in fulfilling my 5 year plan.”
The stated purpose of the team is what was reported to us in the email, although one clause was left out: the team may be used as an “emergency task force” directly under the command of Dr. Neilson or Emily Gossilink in any situation where “everything Covenant College stands for is on the line.” Examples of these situations are said to include gang fights, parties (especially the dancing type) and large groups of students looking collectively suspicious.
Accordingly, the college is funding an SS Retreat, headed by Mr. Anderson and called Waffen die SS, for special training purposes in case of an emergency situation. The retreat is being held at a secret location near Alamogordo, New Mexico where the team will be trained in the use of tear gas, rubber bullets and fire hoses. The team will also be directed in how to use Covenant surroundings in the case that they are caught off their guard. “I can’t wait to learn the 15 ways to maim or kill a person with Great Hall onion rings!” one excited SS member exclaimed.
Posted by Jabberwalkie at October 21, 2004 09:22 AM
Comments
great insights. covenant is really going downhill. i appreciate your journalism, especially the racist feel, you must be some black hating cracker. but its ok, cause everyone here is. you must be a belz/kaufman/rayburn... no? well, either way, your as funny (mabye funnier) than the jews. we will all ALL ALL!!! be looking forward to some stories from preview weekend.
lalalalaaaaa!
lol,
dr. william davis (with props to my boy nicky "ther slammer" barker)
Posted by: patyguy101 at October 21, 2004 10:19 AM
this is fun! i'm glad someone is satarizing me!
go the the gold young bucks!
lol,
em
Posted by: emily gosselink at October 21, 2004 10:20 AM
have you ever heard of me? i'm a goddamn rayburn!!! don't freak with us. we're powerful. let me write for your blog or i will put you under! UNDER!
lol,
robbie (the ladies love me) rayburn, aka the burnster, burninator, the sun-ray skin burn... you know the rest.
Posted by: robbie rayburn at October 21, 2004 10:28 AM
The Drone may be dead but satire is alive. I think the fake comments are the best part.
Posted by: evan donovan at October 21, 2004 12:44 PM
Satire is sin!
why aren't you doing a piece on the obvious atrocities perpetrated against the school durring "preview (a fictional school) weekend"? I walked into C131 and saw previewers getting sweedish massages, neil b neilson was in a towel and said "this shit happens all the time at covenant! more oil Antonio!" After this, i went to the great hall and watched spiderman 2, (the movie which best encapsulates our lives at covenant) i saw jason wood and dot hunter giving free platinum grill procedures. And now, as thirteen red-eyed (ugly) previewers, look over my shoulder, i sign off with this indignant cry: end preview weekend! or, make preview weekend everyday! (no contract)
eternally yours,
b vh
Posted by: Barron VonHoldengratt at October 22, 2004 09:49 AM
Was ist los? Meine Pläne sind entdeckt worden!.....Heinrich Himmler.
Posted by a German relation who translated these specimens of causticity to her kinsman, who was once thought dead but now apparently resurrected in the form of EG.
Posted by: funkefreak at October 22, 2004 02:58 PM
Dear God! The Drone is back, but markedly less well-written! Keep trying, and you have my blessings and those of Mr. Kelvin Clyne. At least someone's doing it, whoever the hell you are.
Posted by: Billy Shears at October 24, 2004 07:41 PM
This is not the drone, it's just me. But thanks for the blessing, I liked the Drone, where did it go?
Posted by: Jabberwalkie at October 25, 2004 01:12 PM
It went to sh!t, that's where. Let me offer you this stern warning: The Average Covenant Student (especially the Basketball playing type) evidently lacks anything resembling a sense of humour attuned toward satire; and the Office of Student Development are a bunch of conniving sods. I liked the Drone, too, Jabberwalkie. I laughed at my own jokes more than anyone else did. But in this case, I think it's important to remember Jesus' adage re: Pearls Before Swine. PS. I'm making these statements totally on the record.
Posted by: Billy Shears at October 25, 2004 04:54 PM
Whatever happened to the Drone? Didn't they bring it back? Emily Gosselink is evil.
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